My husband, a conscious, strong and noble man unexpectedly turned into a cruel, vicious and relentlessly sadistic human being. He ruthlessly tried to annihilate me – I’m still terrified of him.
For 25 years, we had a truly conscious marriage: When concerns arose, each of us would initiate conversations to find peaceful resolutions. During our cherished weekly hiking dates we had so much to talk about.
Strangers and loved ones would remark about the sparkle, love, and the joy between us. So, it was unthinkable that a serious betrayal could occur. Our marriage was built on a strong foundation of mutual respect built through time with mutual conscious effort.
During one of these dates, my husband shared feelings of self-doubt and mid-life crisis questions. I listened lovingly, reminded him of the many great things he had accomplished, and we brainstormed what he still might want to pursue. There was nothing unusual about this conversation. We had countless truthful, vulnerable, disclosing conversations like this. We lived in integrity. Over the next year, he started to act out. I chalked it up to a phase when, like an adolescent, he started to yell at passing motorists, then laugh, as if he felt empowered.
Then…
After a wonderful family vacation, I dropped our young adult children back at college. I couldn’t have been more surprised when I returned to our warm home and my husband asked me to sit down. The serious look on his face made my stomach lurch.
I sat down. He told me that he was leaving – and that he wasn’t sure when he’d be back.
The depth of my shock and grief was indescribable. My tears were immediate, silent, and voluminous, like waterfalls. My heart was cracked with disbelief and pain. I could barely talk.
The only explanation I could find was that he was experiencing a severe stress reaction. So, I offered to completely manage our two businesses while he stayed home and rested. I also suggested we start intensive couple’s counseling, either now or when he was ready. Yet, the detachment of his response was chilling: My husband of almost 25 years barely acknowledged my suggestions. Instead, he looked at me as if I was a STRANGER. This was more eerie than I can describe. I was shattered. Spooked. This was a waking nightmare.
4 days later he was gone. Behind my back he had pre-planned, taken out a credit card in his own name and secured a lease in Hawaii. Knowing that his cell phone wouldn’t work in the area, he bought a second phone but left me no alternate phone number or address.
I was shattered beyond recognition. Tears flowed almost 24/7. Though I’ve always been a feeling-type, this was something completely different: my pain and shock was so intense and the tears so voracious that it was as if I was an animal. I shook. I was sobbing so continually that I couldn’t sleep. The profound betrayal, rejection and abandonment was almost too much to bear.
As it turns out, this was just the beginning of the nightmare.
He then began to destroy my professional and personal reputation. He choreographed a video (complete with bizarre fade in/fade out lighting effects) in which he spoke calmly – as if he was a Zen master. In this video, he spoke matter-of-factly about my ‘severe psychiatric diagnosis’ (I don’t have one) to make it appear as if I was crazy. He then announced – via video – that he was filing for divorce. He then sent the video out widely to make himself look reasonable and me crazy. There are no words. My husband, my person – the individual I trusted with every fiber of my being – not only abruptly abandoned me as if I were an object, but he cared so much about his reputation that he pulverized mine.
A creepy process server showed up at my doorstep with a divorce petition days later. Months later, at a last-attempt therapy session, he announced – with zero shame – that he might stay married, but only under 3 conditions: “That I can f–k whomever I want, that l can retain my Hawaii apartment and live here half the time, and that we will no longer make mutual decisions.” I was offered a sham partnership, crumbs.
The betrayal of all of this was unimaginable. I could barely walk or talk for a year. At unexpected times I’d have an emotional outpouring of absolute grief: Tears would gush out from nowhere. In the frozen aisle of a grocery store I had to abandon my cart and race to my car, heaving. After he left, two separate licensed therapists diagnosed me with Complex PTSD.
Still, it got worse: My then-husband tried to sue me into financial oblivion. We had paid off our mortgage 20 years earlier. Though not rich, we had zero debt and plenty of retirement savings. However, he led his attorney in a vicious campaign that has left me – in my mid 60’s – now $500,000 in debt, paying off a mortgage for the same 1200 square foot home I had paid off 20 years prior. He also sued me for my business, which I had solely created, stole my IP, and stole my major clients. Clearly, my attorney was no match for him and his power-hungry attorney.
His objectification of me was beyond traumatic. Each betrayal from him – from leaving our sweet marriage, to taking off his wedding ring and dating women right after he left, to intentionally trying to make me look crazy, to suing me into oblivion (and so much more that I haven’t shared) – was another gut punch that sent me reeling. His betrayal brought me to my knees. Shattered.
Here’s what I know now:
He did become a monster. But, his behavior wasn’t due to a brain disease (two neurologists ruled out FTD and more). Instead, he had been a Covert Narcissist all along; it didn’t show up full force because he generally got what he wanted in our marriage. What I experienced was what clinicians call narcissistic rage: A full-on display of unrelenting, ENTITLED rage and punishment that occurs when a narcissist doesn’t get what s/he wants. Covert Narcissism can go largely undetected until a narcissist’s entitlement goes beyond what others will endure. Then, narcissistic rage erupts like Hades. A true narcissist, when faced with limits, will abruptly drop long-standing partners, family and friends – as if they were utter objects – then treat them with unrelenting contempt and cruelty.
Our adult children no longer recognize their father. At the onset, they immediately flew to Hawaii thinking, “Could Dad be having a manic episode?” When they arrived they found their father calm; he then offered them psychedelic drugs. Rageful that they wouldn’t ‘support him and understand’ his decision to leave our marriage, he punished them mercilessly. He refused to show up to their college graduation ceremonies, then fabricated psychiatric diagnosis for them, too. Presently he is completely estranged from his children; of course, he tells his family and friends that I created this division. After all, according to him, everything is my fault.
It may be hard to believe that overnight one’s life partner and best friend could change so much. But, though rare, it happened to me.
The effect on me:
I lost trust in other humans at a profound level: After all, if ‘my person’ with whom I had built a warm, close and mutually respectful partnership could flip so suddenly and completely after 25 years of healthy habits, then my sense is that anything could happen.
I’m healing now. I have benefited enormously from trauma-informed therapists and support groups (thus, my desire to launch Unthinkable, so that we can all heal). I love myself in ways I’ve never loved myself before. I am profoundly proud of my children and the ways in which they have maintained their integrity and humanity through the loss of and cruelty of their narcissistic father.
Betrayal trauma is its own kind of pain. It cuts to the core. I believe that betrayal trauma is directly proportional to the level of trust one had prior. The higher the trust, the higher the betrayal trauma.
But, we can heal. I created this website to share my story and connect with yours. You are not alone. We recover through connection and by supporting one another. Goodness abounds.